
You’re thirsty. The ride is long. The sun’s burning holes into your back.
But you’re on a track bike. No bottle cage mounts. No mercy.
You could wear a backpack, but you’re not some commuter dragging a laptop and a spare lunch. You ride free. You ride fast.
So how the hell do you carry water without strapping a camel to your spine?
Here are five ways.
Some elegant. Some ridiculous.
All tested by those who ride before you.
1. The Ass Rocket (aka Saddle-Mounted Bottle Holder)

Sounds like a weapon. Feels like a savior.
These bottle cages bolt under your saddle, pointing your water bottles toward your rear wheel like twin jet engines. Triathletes use them. Track riders steal the idea.
Pros:
✔️ Keeps your frame clean and minimal.
✔️ Easy to grab while riding.
Cons:
❌ Might eject bottles if you hit a pothole at Mach 2.
❌ Someone behind you might get a surprise bottle-to-the-face.
Ass Rocket Rating | Effectiveness | Style Points | Risk of Launching a Bottle into Traffic |
---|---|---|---|
7/10 | 9/10 | 6/10 | 8/10 |
2. The Zip-Tie & Hose Clamp Special
Old-school. Cheap. Gets the job done.
You take a regular bottle cage, zip-tie or hose-clamp it to your frame.
Suddenly, your track bike becomes a hydration station.
Pros:
✔️ Budget-friendly.
✔️ Holds bottles where they should be.
Cons:
❌ Scratches your frame (unless you pad it).
❌ Looks like a desperate DIY job (because it is).
Zip-Tie Special | Effectiveness | Style Points | Chance of Rattling Loose |
---|---|---|---|
6/10 | 8/10 | 4/10 | 7/10 |
3. The Jersey Pocket Trick
Your back. Three pockets. One bottle. Simple math.
Slip a water bottle into your jersey’s middle pocket. You’ll feel like a kangaroo with a hydration problem, but it works.
Pros:
✔️ Zero bike modification needed.
✔️ Keeps you looking like a road racer.
Cons:
❌ Half a kilo bouncing on your spine gets annoying. Kidneys may cry too.
❌ Hard to reach while riding fast.
Jersey Pocket | Effectiveness | Style Points | Spine Comfort |
---|---|---|---|
5/10 | 7/10 | 9/10 | 3/10 |
4. The Handlebar Holster

Cup holders aren’t just for minivans anymore.
Get a strap-on bottle holder that attaches to your handlebars. It’s like having a drink on the dashboard of your bike.
Pros:
✔️ Easy access.
✔️ No modifications to your frame.
Cons:
❌ Looks goofy.
❌ Unbalanced weight could make your steering wobbly.
Handlebar Holster | Effectiveness | Style Points | Wobble Factor |
---|---|---|---|
7/10 | 7/10 | 5/10 | 6/10 |
5. The Fanny Pack Flex

You thought fanny packs were dead? Wrong.
Get one with a bottle holder. Throw it around your waist. Suddenly, you’re hydrated and stylish, like a retired ultra-runner who still means business.
Pros:
✔️ Holds water + snacks + keys.
✔️ Doesn’t mess with your bike.
Cons:
❌ It’s a fanny pack.
❌ Mid-ride adjustments are annoying.
Fanny Pack Flex | Effectiveness | Style Points | Convenience |
---|---|---|---|
6/10 | 6/10 | 3/10 | 5/10 |
Final Verdict
So, which one’s best?
That depends on your level of self-respect and tolerance for inconvenience.
If you like speed and minimalism, go for the Ass Rocket and pray your bottles don’t eject like missiles.
If you’re broke and resourceful, zip ties and hose clamps will make you feel like a back-alley bike mechanic.
If you prioritize style, jersey pockets keep you looking clean, but they might destroy your lower back.
If you’re lazy, the handlebar holster is your best friend, though it’ll make your bike look like a grocery cart.
And if you secretly miss the 90s, fanny packs give you hydration and storage with a side of dad-core fashion.
Now, go ride. Go suffer. Go hydrate.
Just don’t complain when you lose a bottle in traffic and it rolls into the path of an angry SUV driver.
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