I just don’t like group rides—fight me.
OK, maybe I’m being dramatic. Maybe I’m just a bitter loner with a penchant for suffering in solitude. Or maybe, just maybe, group rides actually suck.
I don’t get it. I don’t get why people throw themselves into the sweaty, chaotic mess of wheels, Lycra, and forced camaraderie. Convince me I’m wrong. I dare you.
1. The Scenery Sucks
Riding solo, I can soak in the trees, the rolling hills, the occasional deer staring at me in confusion. Group rides? All I see is someone’s sweaty back and a rear wheel I’m trying not to slam into. Breathtaking.
2. The Pace is Never Right
I ride for the workout and the escape. I don’t care about numbers. But in a group, there’s always some overcaffeinated lunatic pushing the pace or some struggling newbie gasping for air. Either way, I’m never riding at my ideal speed.
3. The Scheduling Nightmare
Finding a window to ride is already like solving a Rubik’s cube blindfolded. Throw in five other people’s schedules, and suddenly it’s an act of Congress just to get a ride on the calendar.
4. The Illusion of Safety
Safety in numbers? Please. Half the time, people are riding two or three abreast, pissing off every driver within a five-mile radius. The other half, some guy forgets how to hold a line and nearly takes out half the pack. Sounds super safe.
5. The Awkward Social Aspect
People think group rides are social, but have you ever actually tried talking while hammering at 22 mph? It’s less “deep conversation” and more “grunted half-sentences between gasps for air.”
6. The Weird Team Mentality
If I wanted to be part of a team, I’d play soccer. But cycling? I like the solitude. I don’t need to “work together” to get a KOM. I’ll earn my suffering fair and square.
7. The False Sense of Accomplishment
Yeah, yeah, riding in a pack is faster. But is averaging 23 mph with a draft better than 18 mph solo? Who are you impressing? Your Strava followers? Your cat?
8. The Coffee Shop Stops
Every group ride has them. But let’s be honest: I didn’t put on a bib, clip into my pedals, and sweat through 40 miles just to stand in line for an overpriced latte.
9. The Ego Battles
There’s always that guy—the one who has to surge ahead, flex his quads, and prove he’s the alpha. The rest of us? Just trying to survive the ride without getting sucked into a pissing contest.
10. The Drama
It’s like high school but with expensive bikes. Someone gets dropped and sulks. Someone gets yelled at for not pulling. Someone’s mad about pace. It’s exhausting, and I’d rather be exhausted from, you know, actually riding.
Summary Table
| Reason | Why It Sucks |
|---|---|
| Scenery | Staring at someone’s back instead of nature |
| Pace | Either too fast or too slow—never just right |
| Scheduling | Herding cats is easier |
| Safety | More people, more chaos, more road rage |
| Socializing | Conversations are mostly gasps and grunts |
| Team Mentality | I ride to be alone, not for camaraderie |
| False Achievement | Drafting isn’t as satisfying as solo effort |
| Coffee Stops | Overpriced lattes aren’t why I ride |
| Ego Clashes | Always someone trying to prove something |
| Drama | Cycling shouldn’t feel like a soap opera |
Conclusion: Solitude is King
Maybe I’m just built differently. Maybe I’m the misanthropic bastard rolling past your peloton, shaking my head at your synchronized suffering.
Or maybe, just maybe, I’ve found the secret to real freedom—just me, my bike, and the open road.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a solo ride to get to.
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