Why Classic Dutch Bikes Are Subpar For Climbing

They call it a bike, but it rides like a stubborn donkey on an uphill death march.

Classic Dutch bikes are the kings of flat land, sure—cruising through tulip fields and cobbled streets with an air of effortless superiority.

But the moment you hit even the mildest incline, you’re in for a world of suffering.

I know because I tried. And I failed. Spectacularly.

I bought into the dream: upright position, low maintenance, built-in lock, maybe even a basket to toss in a bottle of cheap wine. But no one told me these things were built like Soviet tanks.

No one warned me that climbing with a Dutch bike is like dragging an anvil up a mountain with your teeth. And now, I’m here to save you from making the same mistake.

7 Reasons Why Classic Dutch Bikes Are Useless for Climbing

1. Heavy as Hell

Ever tried lifting a Dutch bike? It’s like trying to bench press a dead horse. These things are made for durability, not agility. Steel frames, hefty internal gear hubs, full fenders, chainguards—everything about them screams “sturdy,” which is great until you have to haul that extra weight up a hill.

2. Low Gear Range = Low Hope

Most Dutch bikes come with three, seven, or eight-speed internal hubs. Sounds nice, but here’s the kicker: the range is terrible. When you need a proper granny gear to spin your way up a climb, you’re left mashing your pedals like an idiot, praying your knees don’t explode.

3. Upright Position = No Leverage

Dutch bikes force you to sit upright, which is great for comfort but absolute hell for climbing. There’s no way to shift your weight forward, no way to stand up and grind. You’re stuck in an ergonomic prison, forced to battle gravity on its own terms.

4. Wide Handlebars? More Like Wind Resistance Wings

The big, swept-back handlebars might look stylish, but they kill your ability to climb efficiently. You can’t get low, you can’t shift your weight, and worst of all, they act like sails catching the wind, adding insult to injury.

5. Single Speed? Single Hope.

Some Dutch bikes don’t even have gears. Just you, your legs, and a single gear ratio that was probably decided by some Dutchman who’s never seen a hill in his life. It’s the bicycle equivalent of bringing a butter knife to a sword fight.

6. Brakes That Laugh in the Face of Hills

Coaster brakes or basic rim brakes might work fine on flat ground, but on steep climbs (and descents), they turn into a sick joke. If you manage to struggle your way up, you’ll quickly realize the brakes don’t have the stopping power to keep you from rocketing back down at Mach speed.

7. Dutch Bikes Are Designed for the Netherlands, Not the Alps

Let’s be real. These bikes weren’t made for climbing. They were designed for cities as flat as a pancake, where the biggest elevation change is a canal bridge. If you live somewhere with actual hills, a Dutch bike is about as useful as a snowmobile in the Sahara.

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The Pain in One Table

Problem	Why It Sucks for Climbing
Heavy Frame	Adds resistance, turns every hill into Mount Everest
Limited Gears	No low gears for spinning up steep inclines
Upright Position	No way to shift weight for better climbing leverage
Wide Handlebars	Acts like a parachute, increasing wind resistance
Single Speed Models	No flexibility for varying terrain
Weak Brakes	Makes descending as terrifying as climbing
Flat-Land Design	Made for Amsterdam, not the Alps

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Conclusion: Learn From My Suffering

If you live in a pancake-flat city and never plan on climbing anything taller than a speed bump, go ahead—buy a Dutch bike. Enjoy the comfortable ride, the built-in lock, the smug satisfaction of pretending you’re in a sepia-toned European film.

But if you have even the slightest intention of riding uphill, avoid them like a bad lover. They’ll charm you with their vintage aesthetics and promise of low-maintenance romance, but the moment you need them to perform under pressure, they’ll betray you faster than a barfly with a fresh paycheck.

You want comfort? Get a hybrid. You want durability? Get a steel touring bike. You want to climb hills without feeling like you’re dying? Get literally anything else.

Or, you know… get an e-bike.